Jealousy

I’ve always had a problem with overwhelming jealousy. As a child I was jealous of all of the “things” my friends had that we could never afford.  I’ve maintained a lower middle class position into adulthood. I remain jealous.  Not necessarily of things, but more of relationships.   I see people around me who never really have to worry about day to day life based on their family support.   I choose to drive an old beat up car to save money, but still get jealous of anyone who gets a new car.  My house is paid for and I have a total debt of less than $1000 right now, but still feel like I’m drowning and will never be able to have anything that I really want.

 

That being said, I’m also a self punished who feels unworthy of nicer things.

 

This is the most aggravating self inflicted wound that I deal with.  Everything else heals.  I’m sinking right now.

First blog post

I’m slightly afraid that I will always be more needy than I allow others to see.  I’m so depressed today that I just want to climb into bed and hide. I’ve not allowed myself that luxury in a long time because I know things will only get worse.

I need to feel like I’m the most important person in the world to someone.  Maybe. Maybe that would be too much pressure.

I’m not the kind of person to post vague statements and tell everyone who asks that I don’t want to talk about it.  No one who doesn’t really want to talk about it publicly announce it.

Writing has always been an escape for me.  That’s enough some days.  Hopefully this is one of those days.